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Updates

Kosherpages Updates

March 05 Kosherpages launches 

December 05 - KP goes national.

June 06 - KP launches business networking events

January 07 - 1st B2B tradeshow

January 08 - 1st Kosher Lifestyle Show

August 08 - Parent & child networking event at the Odeon Manchester

September 08
- Launch of new film review section

September 08 - KP announces The Fed as chosen charity for this year

November 08 - Launch of new Medical Blog By Dr. Martin Harris

March 09 - Kosher Lifestyle Show Manchester

March 09 - Launch of The Kosher Brochure

May 10 - New Owners of KosherPages

June 10 - New look KosherPages

July 10 - KosherPages expands to include Jewish communities nation wide

July 10 - Pick of the Week is introduced to KosherPages - A joke, a quote, a Dvar Torah and more

August 10 - KosherPages now has a Facebook group - come and join us!

November 10 - Your health matters is added to KosherPages

November 10 - New addition to KosherPages - Kosher Fitness column

January 11 - KosherPages introduces "Your Pix" to Pick of the Week

July 11 - Safety First section is added to KosherPages

November 11 - The KosherPages Facebook group reaches 1,000 members

November 11 - KosherPages introduces the monthly competition

March 12 - KosherPages introduces new style "Shabbos Times & More" email. Click here to subscribe.

 

 

 

Do you have a joke you would like to share on KosherPages?

If so we would love to include it, please use our contact form to send it through to us.


Jokes

Thursday, 18th May 2017

I’m a magical fairy. You can have two wishes.
What? But I want three wishes!
Very good, granted. You now have two wishes left.

 

 

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail.

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

 

 

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

Favourite book!

Thursday, 11th May 2017

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied – “My husband’s check book!!”

Keeping to the speed limit!

Thursday, 4th May 2017

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask … Is everyone in this car ok?  These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

PARADOX!

Wednesday, 26th April 2017

The caretaker

Thursday, 20th April 2017

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto.  What can I do for you?  Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your  parrot ........ he is dead".

"My parrot?  Dead?  The one that won the International  competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Grrr!  That's a pity!  I spent a small fortune on that bird.  What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor.  He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse?  What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize  thoroughbred is dead?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work  pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane?  What water cart?!"

"The one we used to put out the fire,  Senor."

"Good Lord!    What fire are you talking about, man?!"

"The one at your house,  Senor!   A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What????  Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod. 

 
"But there's electricity at the house!   What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod".   She   showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her  with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE ........... LONG SILENCE .........VERY  LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in BIG TROUBLE!"

A clean Tallis

Thursday, 6th April 2017

Jacob needed his tallis (prayer shawl) cleaned, so he takes it to the best dry-cleaners in Golders Green, Yu Feng Zo Cleaners.  
They tell him to come back in a week. 
When he returns, they give him the tallis and an invoice for £50. 
"Fifty pounds to clean just one small tallis?" Jacob says.
"No," replies Yu Feng, "Five pounds to clean the tallis, forty five pounds to take out all those knots!"

 

 

UN speech!

Wednesday, 29th March 2017

An Israeli Sense of Humour at the UN set the record straight. An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began:  'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!'

Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then.'

The Israeli representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.'

A couple of small differences between males and females!

Thursday, 23rd March 2017

A couple of small differences between males and females!

 

The man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs, whereas the woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.

 

She marries him expecting him to change (but he doesn't), whereas he marries her expecting that she won't change (but she does).

There's always an answer ...

Thursday, 16th March 2017

Q: Is Google male or female? 
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

 

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill.”

 

Q: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
A: It gets toad away.

The Rebbetzin - Purim Mask

Wednesday, 8th March 2017

The Rebbetzin - Purim Mask

Click the image below to watch the video!

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