Click here to visit Shefa Mehadrin's website
Click here to view JS's website
Home
Add Kosherpages to your favourites
Make Kosherpages your home page

Advertisement
 

Manchester Eruv

Advertisement
 
Kosherpages
Updates

Kosherpages Updates

March 05 Kosherpages launches 

December 05 - KP goes national.

June 06 - KP launches business networking events

January 07 - 1st B2B tradeshow

January 08 - 1st Kosher Lifestyle Show

August 08 - Parent & child networking event at the Odeon Manchester

September 08
- Launch of new film review section

September 08 - KP announces The Fed as chosen charity for this year

November 08 - Launch of new Medical Blog By Dr. Martin Harris

March 09 - Kosher Lifestyle Show Manchester

March 09 - Launch of The Kosher Brochure

May 10 - New Owners of KosherPages

June 10 - New look KosherPages

July 10 - KosherPages expands to include Jewish communities nation wide

July 10 - Pick of the Week is introduced to KosherPages - A joke, a quote, a Dvar Torah and more

August 10 - KosherPages now has a Facebook group - come and join us!

November 10 - Your health matters is added to KosherPages

November 10 - New addition to KosherPages - Kosher Fitness column

January 11 - KosherPages introduces "Your Pix" to Pick of the Week

July 11 - Safety First section is added to KosherPages

November 11 - The KosherPages Facebook group reaches 1,000 members

November 11 - KosherPages introduces the monthly competition

March 12 - KosherPages introduces new style "Shabbos Times & More" email. Click here to subscribe.

 

 

 

Do you have a joke you would like to share on KosherPages?

If so we would love to include it, please use our contact form to send it through to us.


Think it over!

Wednesday, 8th December 2010

 

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,
"Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she sin't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

A couple of short jokes ...

Thursday, 2nd December 2010

 

Two aerials met on a roof - fell in love - and got married.
The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

 
Police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

The old fridge

Tuesday, 23rd November 2010

 

Some  guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get  rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front  yard and hung a Sign on it saying:
'Free to  good home. You want it, you take it.'

For  three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that  people were too mistrustful of this deal.

So  he changed the sign to read:
'Fridge for sale  $50.' 

The next day  someone stole it!
 

The Wedding List

Thursday, 18th November 2010

 

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, living in Auckland, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "
Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jack: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works.."
Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."
Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do..."
Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jack:
"Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."
 

Brocha (Blessing) Time

Wednesday, 10th November 2010

 

Little Yossi and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Bubbie's (Grandma's) house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
little Yossi received his plate he started eating right away.

"Yossi, wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to." The boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother
insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's our house," Yossi explained. "But this is Bubbie's house, and she
knows how to cook."
 

The secret to a long life!

Wednesday, 3rd November 2010

 

A tough old cowboy from Nevada counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The son did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.

He left behind:
14 children
30 grandchildren
45 great grandchildren
25 great great grandchildren
and  a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be!

 

Bad day!

Thursday, 28th October 2010

 

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, "Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about
it?

Moshe burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a  man crying. What's your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says.
"I'm a complete failure.  I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.  When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don'thave any insurance.  I left my  wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife had been spending on the credit cards and then my dog bit me. 
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"
 

Lawyers!

Wednesday, 20th October 2010

 

 A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of £10 million.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing £10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer “Ask him where the 10 million quid that he embezzled from me is”.

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
 
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers? 
 

The Beggars

Wednesday, 13th October 2010

 

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement outside the Vatican. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions.
 
As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."
 

Noah's Ark in Today's Society...

Friday, 8th October 2010

 

G-d speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, G-d delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said G-d, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud formed and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. G-d saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"G-d, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.

However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since G-d is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth, G-d?"

"No," said G-d sadly. "The government already has!"
 

Advertisement
 

Click On My Logo
 

Advertisement
 

Advertisement